Hello all...
I thought I would do another quick post and maybe start a new trend...
So my birthday was last weekend and I am happy to report that I actually had a great day!! This may not seem like such a big deal, but my two previous birthdays consisted of me barfing for 4 days, and getting broken up with via email. Happy to say that this year was fabulous!
There was a big party on the resort because we had an LPGA tournament going on... so Friday night I got to hang out with my friends, enjoy a few adult beverages, and dance until I couldn't dance any more! It was fun and fantastic! Then the next day my friend Megan came and picked me up and surprised me with a spa day! Well she had called my sister and my mom and arranged for the spa day to happen for me :) It was SO nice and relaxing! I got a massage and a facial and it was great to sit and relax and have a good day! Then we went and had drinks and appetizers (pupus!) with my sister and my friend Amanda.
I can honestly say it was the best birthday I have had in years!! Thanks Mommy and thanks Megan!!
Love you all and miss you terribly!!
Me
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
I am still alive... :)
Hello all of you out there in blog reader land...
I sure haven't written anyting in so long I'm sure a lot of you thought I had fallen off the island and into the ocean. Not true! I am still here. Let's see if I can recap some of what's been going on in my life.
Well the truth of the matter is... I've been not so happy for the past few months. I won't say unhappy because that is pretty hard to do while living in paradise. But I can admit to not being the happiest I have ever been. So what has been going on, you ask? I'll tell ya... or at least paraphrase.
When I moved to Maui, I think I was searching for something. Trying to make some sense out of my life and all of the things that had been thrown my way. For the first year that I lived here I somewhat ignored some of my "issues" and threw myself into the island and life here. I was doing so great that some of my "issues" naturally fell away and became unimportant. Ok ok so what are these mysterious "issues" I keep talking about? Well honestly my life has never felt like it is where it is supposed to be. I always feel like I am just around the next corner from my life being where I want it. Truth be told, whenever I round that next corner, whatever that may be, it just morphs into another hallway to walk and another corner to round. Does that even make any sense? What I'm trying to say is that I have always felt a bit lost and out of synch with where I want to be. So the first year in Maui I did a lot of soul searching and did a lot of fun things, pushed myself outside of the proverbial box of my life. I learned so much about myself and even more than that I learned to love myself. Something that has not always been easy, especially considering how much damage the man who I used to be married to tried to do to my self esteem.
So amazingly when I stopped paying attention, stopped searching for that thing that was going to magically transform my life, I found what I was looking for. Me. All along and I didn't even know it. I just had to find myself and figure out who I was and then I could be happy. And I did it. I found who I was and what made me happy and just like that I was happy. I've talked to My Tammy about this once or twice... there have been times in my life when everything is just going so well and I am content and happy and I'll be in a quiet moment, driving in the car, or just waking up, just going to bed.... you know when you have a moment and your brain isn't really working, it's just being? Well sometimes during those times, I get this overwhelming feeling of joy that passes through me. I call them Joy Bubbles. Because that's they only thing I can think of to describe them. They start somewhere in your stomach and then just move through your body and pretty soon you just have this huge amazing smile an your face. Sometimes you laugh out loud and giggle and just are surrounded by this peace and contentment. Joy Bubbles... They are so great because it reminds you of the good stuff and any of the bad stuff happens to fade away, if even for a moment. When I reached that point in my life and I found myself I had major Joy Bubbles. They were happening so often that they almost weren't bubbles, it was like floating in joy... Trust me on this, it was and is a great feeling.
So just when I reached this point, and was just happy with me and who I was and where I was, I met this guy. My first thoughts were, yes! This is how it is supposed to happen. You are supposed to meet "the guy" when you are this place of contentment. I went into this new experience with open eyes and with no expectations. Well long story short here is that after a week of, I have to say it, bliss... things didn't go the way I had hoped. And the part of it that just irritates me beyond belief is that not only did it hurt. But it sucked out all that joy that I had worked so hard to build up. With one decent guy with some issues of his own all of that crap that I had worked so hard to get rid of came crashing back towards me. But... but.... I worked so hard to get rid of all of that! Why is it back? *sigh*
Not only that but it seems like not so great things were happening all around me and also happening to people that I love and are my rocks. Being SO FAR AWAY from them has been breaking my heart. I want to help, to fix, to soothe, to just be there for them and I can't really be there. I can call and I can email (which I'm not even that great about doing even though I should be) but I can't physically be there and give hugs and offer help and all of the stuff I wish a million times a day I could be doing. Then the work problems started.... well luckily for me I still have my job but 275+ people that work for the same company I work for lost their jobs. My job changed and not for the better and this carefully constructed life that I had put together started to shift and change. I kept trying to hold onto that peaceful place but it got harder and harder. Now keep in mind, my life is still WAY better than it has been in recent years. I am happy here. I do love living here. It is not all bad, but that great happy and peaceful place I had found was slipping away and I wanted it back firmly in place.
So all that to say that's where I've been the last few months. Just trying to figure it all out and get back to that place.... It is so not an easy thing to do... but I did the work once and it was really hard. This time I think I was doing the work but in a different manner. Last week I was reading a book and I finished it right before I went to bed. The next morning I woke up and grabbed for my book only to realize I had finished it. So I grabbed my journal instead and opened it to a random page. I read my entry I had written on the one year anniversary of my grandpa's death. The last part of it I had written some things to myself. Things I needed to remember, things I wanted to be sure always knew, things that mattered but most likely only to me. Whatever I wrote and consequently read that morning was exactly what I needed to hear. It was exactly the words that broke through that last bit of ick that has been holding me back the last few weeks.
I know that life isn't perfect. I know that my life is not where I want it to be (still!), but I also know that it makes it a lot harder to deal with if I have a negative attitude about it all. Sometimes its the imperfections in life that make it interesting. That being the case, I do have a pretty interesting life... I mean I live in Maui, paradise! I have the most amazing friends and family on the face of the planet. I have FINALLY learned to surround myself with good people and allow myself to let go of those people that aren't good for me. At the end of the day that's what it's all about anyway... those who are in your inner circle.
I love and miss you all! Come visit me here in paradise... maybe it will help me feel a little less homesick!! I can't promise to blog more... but I will try!!
I sure haven't written anyting in so long I'm sure a lot of you thought I had fallen off the island and into the ocean. Not true! I am still here. Let's see if I can recap some of what's been going on in my life.
Well the truth of the matter is... I've been not so happy for the past few months. I won't say unhappy because that is pretty hard to do while living in paradise. But I can admit to not being the happiest I have ever been. So what has been going on, you ask? I'll tell ya... or at least paraphrase.
When I moved to Maui, I think I was searching for something. Trying to make some sense out of my life and all of the things that had been thrown my way. For the first year that I lived here I somewhat ignored some of my "issues" and threw myself into the island and life here. I was doing so great that some of my "issues" naturally fell away and became unimportant. Ok ok so what are these mysterious "issues" I keep talking about? Well honestly my life has never felt like it is where it is supposed to be. I always feel like I am just around the next corner from my life being where I want it. Truth be told, whenever I round that next corner, whatever that may be, it just morphs into another hallway to walk and another corner to round. Does that even make any sense? What I'm trying to say is that I have always felt a bit lost and out of synch with where I want to be. So the first year in Maui I did a lot of soul searching and did a lot of fun things, pushed myself outside of the proverbial box of my life. I learned so much about myself and even more than that I learned to love myself. Something that has not always been easy, especially considering how much damage the man who I used to be married to tried to do to my self esteem.
So amazingly when I stopped paying attention, stopped searching for that thing that was going to magically transform my life, I found what I was looking for. Me. All along and I didn't even know it. I just had to find myself and figure out who I was and then I could be happy. And I did it. I found who I was and what made me happy and just like that I was happy. I've talked to My Tammy about this once or twice... there have been times in my life when everything is just going so well and I am content and happy and I'll be in a quiet moment, driving in the car, or just waking up, just going to bed.... you know when you have a moment and your brain isn't really working, it's just being? Well sometimes during those times, I get this overwhelming feeling of joy that passes through me. I call them Joy Bubbles. Because that's they only thing I can think of to describe them. They start somewhere in your stomach and then just move through your body and pretty soon you just have this huge amazing smile an your face. Sometimes you laugh out loud and giggle and just are surrounded by this peace and contentment. Joy Bubbles... They are so great because it reminds you of the good stuff and any of the bad stuff happens to fade away, if even for a moment. When I reached that point in my life and I found myself I had major Joy Bubbles. They were happening so often that they almost weren't bubbles, it was like floating in joy... Trust me on this, it was and is a great feeling.
So just when I reached this point, and was just happy with me and who I was and where I was, I met this guy. My first thoughts were, yes! This is how it is supposed to happen. You are supposed to meet "the guy" when you are this place of contentment. I went into this new experience with open eyes and with no expectations. Well long story short here is that after a week of, I have to say it, bliss... things didn't go the way I had hoped. And the part of it that just irritates me beyond belief is that not only did it hurt. But it sucked out all that joy that I had worked so hard to build up. With one decent guy with some issues of his own all of that crap that I had worked so hard to get rid of came crashing back towards me. But... but.... I worked so hard to get rid of all of that! Why is it back? *sigh*
Not only that but it seems like not so great things were happening all around me and also happening to people that I love and are my rocks. Being SO FAR AWAY from them has been breaking my heart. I want to help, to fix, to soothe, to just be there for them and I can't really be there. I can call and I can email (which I'm not even that great about doing even though I should be) but I can't physically be there and give hugs and offer help and all of the stuff I wish a million times a day I could be doing. Then the work problems started.... well luckily for me I still have my job but 275+ people that work for the same company I work for lost their jobs. My job changed and not for the better and this carefully constructed life that I had put together started to shift and change. I kept trying to hold onto that peaceful place but it got harder and harder. Now keep in mind, my life is still WAY better than it has been in recent years. I am happy here. I do love living here. It is not all bad, but that great happy and peaceful place I had found was slipping away and I wanted it back firmly in place.
So all that to say that's where I've been the last few months. Just trying to figure it all out and get back to that place.... It is so not an easy thing to do... but I did the work once and it was really hard. This time I think I was doing the work but in a different manner. Last week I was reading a book and I finished it right before I went to bed. The next morning I woke up and grabbed for my book only to realize I had finished it. So I grabbed my journal instead and opened it to a random page. I read my entry I had written on the one year anniversary of my grandpa's death. The last part of it I had written some things to myself. Things I needed to remember, things I wanted to be sure always knew, things that mattered but most likely only to me. Whatever I wrote and consequently read that morning was exactly what I needed to hear. It was exactly the words that broke through that last bit of ick that has been holding me back the last few weeks.
I know that life isn't perfect. I know that my life is not where I want it to be (still!), but I also know that it makes it a lot harder to deal with if I have a negative attitude about it all. Sometimes its the imperfections in life that make it interesting. That being the case, I do have a pretty interesting life... I mean I live in Maui, paradise! I have the most amazing friends and family on the face of the planet. I have FINALLY learned to surround myself with good people and allow myself to let go of those people that aren't good for me. At the end of the day that's what it's all about anyway... those who are in your inner circle.
I love and miss you all! Come visit me here in paradise... maybe it will help me feel a little less homesick!! I can't promise to blog more... but I will try!!
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